


okay to hate me

by Arlene0401



Series: Tumblr drabbles and oneshots 2016 [18]
Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Canon Compliant, Love Confessions, M/M, Promises, set at the end of the uprising arc
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-29
Updated: 2016-09-29
Packaged: 2018-08-18 14:20:31
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 960
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8164916
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Arlene0401/pseuds/Arlene0401
Summary: Erwin tries to encourage Eren during his exhausting hardening experiments. His pep talk backfires in a way he hasn't foreseen.





	

**Author's Note:**

  * For [sciencefictioness](https://archiveofourown.org/users/sciencefictioness/gifts).



> sciencefictioness requested eruren with the prompt: "I've seen the way you look at me when you think I don't notice."
> 
> I'm a little tired, so please forgive the unbeta'd state and possible typos.

Eren was digging into his third bowl of stew when Erwin came into the mess hall. The commander stood in the doorway for a moment, regarding the scout quietly, before he walked over and sat down at the same table.

 

Only then Eren noticed him and nearly knocked over his stew bowl in his rush to get up and salute. Erwin raised his hand to stop him. “Eren, formalities are unnecessary. Please, continue eating.”

 

Eren seemed to debate with himself for a second, but then started spooning up his food again. Erwin smiled.

 

“At least they seem to feed you properly. How are the hardening experiments going?” He had already been briefed by Hanji, at length, but he wanted to hear Eren’s opinion nevertheless.

 

Eren shrugged. “Okay, I guess. I’m making progress. It’s very tiring, though, and I can’t bring my titan to harden as often as they’d like.” He avoided Erwin’s gaze and worried his lip, seemingly afraid he’d said too much or sounded disrespectful.

 

Erwin took the chance to study Eren more closely, and he didn’t like what he saw. The boy had lost weight, his hair had lost its luster, there were dark circles under his eyes, and his skin was so pale it was almost translucent. A little smear of dried blood was on his right nostril.

 

“I’m so sorry, Eren,” the words left his mouth before he even thought about them, and Eren looked at him, eyes slightly widened in surprise.

 

“I’m sorry,”, he repeated, softly. “For everything we - I - have put you through, and are still going to demand from you. Even now, after everything you’ve been through in the Reiss estate, after finishing Rod Reiss, after Historia’s coronation, we don’t give you a single day of rest.”

 

“But everyone else is incredibly busy, too. Why should I be allowed to slack off? Besides, my abilities are needed. I can’t let everybody down.” A faint glow returned to Eren’s dull eyes as he spoke. This was what his whole being revolved around -  _ I can’t let people down _ . Erwin sensed it would be useless to allow him a day off, or going easy on the experiments.

 

“If it makes things any easier for you,” Erwin replied wryly, “It’s okay to hate me, you know.”

 

Eren blinked. “Pardon?”

 

“Hate me. Curse me. A lot of people do, you know. It comes with the job. Well,” he chuckled, “part of it is my personality, too. I’ve been called all kinds of names. And I’ve seen the way you look at me when you think I don’t notice. If looks could kill and so on.”

 

The scout had listened, spoon halfway between the table and his mouth, and now he placed it back in the bowl and pushed the dish away. He thought for a couple of minutes, and when he spoke, he didn’t look at Erwin, staring out the window instead.

 

“Why did you trust me?”

 

“Trust you?”

 

“Yes. Why did you trust me? Even before you knew me? Nobody else did. Mike, Hanji, Levi and his squad - I had to work hard to earn their respect and trust. Even now, I’m aware that most people see me as a monster. But never you. You saw something in me, didn’t you? And it was not only that I could be useful. I tried to tell myself so. That I’m only a tool, a means to one of your countless schemes. But you did more than use me. You trusted me, countless times, when everyone else doubted me. Even when I doubted myself.”

 

At last, Eren glanced at Erwin again. “So no, Commander Smith, hating you is the last thing that I could ever bring myself to do. I fell in love with you, and I don’t care that it’s not reciprocated. So if you don’t mind… I’d prefer for that to keep me going and doing my best.”

 

He got up and lifted his dish to bring it back to the kitchen. “I apologize for speaking so freely. But I didn’t want you making wrong assumptions. Good night, Commander Smith.” He was already nearing the doorway when Erwin’s voice made him stop in his tracks.

 

“Who says it’s not reciprocated?”

 

Eren didn’t speak, didn’t move, only stood there with his head bowed, his back to Erwin, fingers trembling around the soup bowl.

 

“You asked me why I trusted you. I did because I saw indeed something in you. I saw a man who will always give his everything, will even give himself up. I saw a man who would never have to prove his worth to me, because he stands so far above me that I am no match for him. And I fell in love with you although I had no right to. I wish I could be content that you’re in this world. But I can’t. I can’t even keep you safe. And maybe… maybe I will end up killing you, by whatever this crazy world demands us to do.”

 

“So… it’s not one-sided.”

 

“No.”

 

Eren turned halfway around, and his smile was so sad it broke Erwin’s heart.

 

“But we’re not going to act on it.”

 

Erwin’s silence was answer enough.

 

“It’s okay, I guess. Yes, I see. One day, you may have to send me to my death. And on the whole… you and me, we don’t count. All of this - it’s more important than us. But I promise you this, Erwin Smith.” He turned fully now, his attention zooming in on Erwin.

 

“It doesn’t matter if in this life, or whatever comes after - afterlife, or rebirth - when all of this is over, I will find you. I promise.”

 

Across the empty room, they smiled at each other.

 

“Yes, Eren. I trust you.”

**Author's Note:**

> You can find my SNK and personal blog under [glassesgirl0401](http://glassesgirl0401.tumblr.com)


End file.
